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Falls Count Anywhere


Fired for saying the "F" word.
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and Rest Ye Well, Charlie Rocket.

I couldn’t watch all of SmackDown!, first because I had a lot of writing to do. Second because it was just too bad. I did rewatch with fast-forward later, and it still wasn’t very good.

They opened things up with a video of No Mercy, which made it look like a better show. They showed all sorts of people being ‘shocked’ by the Undertaker burning thing, but they must have had to look through a lot of footage to find it. Orton came out with Ace Cowboy Bob and he said that now the Undertaker was done and he was ready to focus on the World Heavyweight Title. Eddie Guerrero came out and said that he wasn’t done with Batista. Orton asked for advice so that he could do the opposite and actually beat Batista. Eddie and Randy had a match set up for later in the show. I think they should have saved that match, but I guess they really needed a main event.

The Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit match at least had an interesting story. They claimed that Jordan had been studying all the ways to get out of the Crossface, and he actually did a Handstand to get out of it once, which was really smart. Benoit then used the Sharpshooter to get the win. Not a really good match, and they need to end this feud nowish, but solid enough.

The Sharmell/Booker angle is really annoying. I just don’t like Sharmell.

In a weird match, The Mexicools teamed with Heidenreich and Animal to beat Paul Burchill, Steve Regal and MNM. There were same nice thought spots in this one, including a great one where Melina distracted Psicosis and then Christy Hemme, who is paired with LoD for some reason, distracted Nitro. The required brawling happened and then SuperCrazy got the win by giving Mercury a Moonsault. The Tolands then attacked the Mexicools. This is the laziest writing ever. They’ve never explained that the Mexicools turned, nor did they set up something between the actual participants of the match. Just plain weak.

Reading is fundamental.
Christian had a Peep Show with Stacey Kiebler, which is far less impressive than it sounds. They talked about the scandal with Jennifer Aniston and they brought out Jillian Hall. They really need to storyline her getting that thing removed. Awful.

Christian vs. JBL vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Booker T wasn’t a bad match, though there were issues. It seemed a little plodding at times, especially when Rey wasn’t working. Booker had a lot of fire, which was nise. Rey hit a Springboard Senton which was cool, and he and JBL worked nicely together. They’re one of the few Big Man-Little Combos that really work. Christian hit a Flying Body Press on JBL, but he turned it into a Fallaway Slam. They took a break and when they came back we saw the Fallaway Slam that JBL tried on Rey which he turned into a nice DDT. JBL controlled a lot of this match, which is really a mistake.

Finish was Sharmell tripping Rey and Booker getting the pin. Not bad, but not great. Benoit then did a good little piece where he said that he hoped he didn’t get tripped by Sharmell like Rey had. They’re either gonna turn Sharmell and have her lead someone against Booker or they’re gonna reluctantly turn Booker. Either way, I’m not among the caring.

Kennedy did his ring announcing bit, then said that he didn’t have a match because everyone was afraid of him and he simply came out to give the fans a thrill. Nice touch and I figure they’ll have Holly jump him for a revenge match. I’m seeing a lot of parallels between this feud and the HHH/Henry Godwinn feud of 1996.

Nunzio was fed to Bobby Lashley. He tossed Nunzio all around the ring. I really see something in Lashley and they’re building him up as a heel, which is smart.

They brought the Boogeyman into Theodore R. Long’s office. Palmer Cannon did the introduction. They don’t need to bring him in yet and he’s not going to be effective against the Undertaker.

Eddie and Randy had a decent match against one another. I like both these guys and I know they’ve got the short end of the stick. The match went back and forth, and Eddie was a big time face with this crowd. Again, lazy booking as they really didn’t do a turn, but when you’re in a heavily pro-Mexican town, it’s hard to get these guys to come off as heels.

Hmmm...where's the teakettle?
After a bit where Eddie used the tag rope to choke Orton, Eddie hit a Vertical Suplex, but Ace Cowboy Bob jumped up and Eddie got him away, but that gave Randy the chance to hit a beautiful drop kick and send us to commercial. When we got back, Randy was in control. Randy got a nice BackBreaker in on Eddie. Eddie found himself trapped in a sleeper, but then started to fight out of it as the crowd was really into him. Eddie managed to hit the Triple Verticals, but then when he went for the Frog Splash, Cowboy Bob tossed him off the top and got DQ’ed. The pair of Ortons destroyed Eddie until Batista made the save. Batista-Eddie vs. The Ortons next week. That’s a predictable finish.

TNA Impact
Good show, showing all the reasons why TNA has the talent to take on the WWE, but not the funds nor the timeslot. They opened with Monty Brown taking on two guys. The crowd is into Monty, and he’s a decent talker, but the reason he’s turned down the WWE is that he’s only 6’2 or so and wouldn’t have the same gravitas that he has here towering over the little guys. This was slightly more than a squash, as the two guys he was battling got some moves in, but the pounce and then the Money Bomb, or whatever it’s called got the double pin. Lance Hoyt came out, who would fit in with the WWE, and did a promo saying that he was going to beat him at the PPV next week.

They talked about Jushin Thunder Liger coming in and taking on Samoa Joe. There’s no way they should let Joe lose that match, but with Liger, I can’t see hwo they could do any different.

Traci came out with Matt Bentley to take on David Young, who had Simon Diamond with him. Typical good TNA X-division match. The sort of back and forth they do makes everyone look good, but the crowd doesn’t buy the guys as serious contenders. It’s only people like Joe, Brown, Raven, Daniels, Styles and Jarrett that are seen as big deals. This ended with Bentley getting the Superkick and the 1-2-3. Petey Williams than ran in and gave Bentley the Canadian Destroyer. This was awesome and the crowd loved it. Traci then almost got kissed by Petey, but she slapped him and before he could give her the Destroyer, Chris Sabin ran in and took out Williams. Good stuff in the ending with a non-memorable, but still good match.

OK, there’s been a lot of attention on the funeral package they did for 3-D. I thought it was OK, with Jim Mitchell being the highlight, but most of it was kinda silly weak. I loved the way the Canadian Heels were all there with their hockey sticks. OK, that was brilliant, but even when America’s Most Wanted came up to talk, I wasn’t sold on it. I’m really of the opinion that they should just stick to the ring and give us amazing matches and not do too many skits, but it they’re all like this, it might draw the casuals in more.

Rhino took on Sabu in a match that was like 1999 all over again. Sabu looked good, better than usual, and Rhino has always been undervalued. This was basically done so that all the guys in the four way match at the PPV could face off, and Abyss and Jeff Hardy ran in and they brawled a little before they were held back.

The Iron Man challenge was The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels taking on three guys who he had to beat in 15 minutes. The first was Shark Boy and that took about three minutes before Daniels got The Angel Wings for the pin. This brought out Sonjay Dutt. He busted all his dope moves, swinging and spinning like a madman.

At one point, he went for the Hindu Press, but Daniels moved and Dutt rolled and ended up on his feet. They sadly took their commercial break right in the middle of Dutt’s section.

Of course, with a little more than three minutes left, Daniels got the pin and in came AJ Styles. The two of them fought for a bit, but Daniels slithered away after the time limit of the challenge was up. I still think they should have had Daniels pin Styles to prove that he could do it, but what are you going to do?

Good night of wrestling.

I had bought the Ultimate Warrior DVD and watched it during the commercials. That proved to be a lot better than much of this show, with a couple of very interesting exceptions. Sadly, I didn’t finish it all and the Warrior DVD review will have to wait for another day…along with the Ring of Honor DVD I picked up for a mere $9.99!

Vince came out and heeled for a while. It was typical Vince talking about Austin coming to Sac-to and they played a ‘Let’s Humiliate J.R.’ video package. There’s no question that he’s coming back now. Here’s what happened: the WWE was really ready to completely dump Jim Ross, who also needed some medical work, but no one who had the stuff could be found (and Joey Styles is under contract more so he won’t go anywhere else) so they made it into an angle. All signs point to JR coming back, and the way Coach called matches here, it can’t be soon enough. JR suffered some colon problems, believed to be either a perforation or a rupture, and required surgery. Get Well Soon, You Mighty Oklahoman!

Angle came to Vince backstage and asked to be Number One Contender. Hurricane started harping on why Vince fired JR and Vinny had Kurt jump him. He just beat the tar out of the little guy. Vince then had some words with Bischoff saying how high expectations are for Taboo Tuesday. He announced that Kurt would face Cena, plus a third man would be chosen from the winner of two matches: Big Show vs. Edge and Carlito vs. Shawn Michaels. The third man in the running (the audience will vote starting next week) will be the winner of a Battle Royale. Nice way to set up the night and give a couple of matches some weight.

Big Show beat Edge. I really think they should hold off on giving Edge the big run at the title until he can carry someone like The Big Show to a decent match. What’s that you say? Cena can’t do it, so why should Edge? Because Cena’s Hogan-level in a while while Edge has the reek of years of mid-card on him.

Edge worked Show’s arm, lots of near-Choke Slams, and eventually Edge hit a Spear which Coach called a gore, not remembering that Edge and Rhyno (now Rhino) are two different guys. Edge went for the Briefcase, but JBL’s music hit and that distracted him long enough for Show to get the Chokeslam. So NOW they’re finally starting the SD! vs. RAW feud they set up so nicely two weeks ago.

Spot the novelist.
Carlito’s Cabana started with Carlito making fun of Jim Ross, and that brought out Mick Foley. Mick was psyched to meet someone with worse hair than himself. They went back and forth a bit until Linda McMahon came on screen. Linda made it sound like JR’s surgery was the result of the low blow. This was the best she’s been in anything in a long while. Carlito and Mick then went at it again. Carlito said that Mick’s not cool. Mick agreed, and said that Carlito should be more worried about Shawn Michaels. This ended a little flat, but it was OK.

In the match of the night. Shawn Michaels beat Carlito. Mick Flores, the Pimpin’ Don of Hope Ave., asked me what Carlito’s finisher was. I honestly don’t know. Carlito does mostly basic offense, but it’s basic and effective in gaining heat for the face’s comeback. There’s a big difference between John Cena’s basic work and Carlito’s. Carlito got a lot of near-falls, but Shawn made a great comeback. There was a great spot where Shawn was trying to suplex Carlito to the outside, but he also ended up going over the top. That perfectly set up the commercial break.

When we got back, Carlito used a Downward Spiral-like move for a near-fall. Michaels came back and they traded a bit. Like spot where Carlito ducked the Superkick and then put him on his shoulders, but Shawn turned it into a roll-up. Ref bump, Michaels to the steel post, Carlito tried to hit him with the chair, but Shawn moved, back in the ring, Carlito had the chair and HBK Superkicked it into his face for the pin. Really good match. Carlito understands how to work a match, even if his offense isn’t great, he knows how to build a match simply, which is good. Shawn was great, as always. Coach’s call on this match really set it back.

As Shawn was walking to the back, Ric Flair came out. They shook hands and Flair went to the ring. Flair said that he lit a fire under HHH when he came and that HHH had decided that it was time for Flair to retire. Nobody puts Baby in a corner…I mean nobody tells Ric Flair what to do. He told all sorts of stories, true ones, in fact, and said he ain’t afraid of HHH. He then ripped the bandage off of his head and blood flowed, so he wiped it all over his face. This was a good segment and the match between the two of them should be solid.

Where we goin' now, Trish, huh, huh?
Victoria (looking hot), Torrie (looking OK), and Candace Michelle (looking hot) took on Mickie James (looking Hot), Ashley (looking Very Hot) and Trish Stratus (Looking EXCESSIVELY HOT!!!). Trish and Victoria started off and Trish did an awesome Spinning Handstand Head Scissors that just ruled. Mickie James tagged in and hit a Crossbody, a Hurrancanrana and she started celebrating, but was rolled up by Victoria. Mickie went ape and hit Victoria with the Stratusfaction. I think I see where they are going with this and it’ll probably be a disappointment.

Steve Austin came to the ARCO Arena and the place just ‘bout Ex-Ploded! He said that he was annoyed the Ross got fired. Stephanie came out and they faced off. Steph was really bad here. Austin even pointed it out at times. They set-up Austin vs. Coach at Taboo Tuesday with Austin’s career vs. JR getting his job back. Austin went to the Announce Position and poured beer in Coach’s hat. Not a bad segment, but would have been better with Vince instead of Steph…or maybe without a McMahon at all!

This was one of the worst Battle Royales in ages. Basically, it was Kane just running through people to showcase his return. Just awful. He eliminated Masters to take the win. Cena was on announcing and even he was better than Coach. Kane eliminated Masters to get the win.

Not a good show, really. They’ve set up way too much for Taboo Tuesday, and I’m doubting it’ll draw. We’ll have to see.

That’s all for this week. Keep watching the skies!

Talk about today's column in the forums!

Chris Garcia

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