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Falls Count Anywhere


They drew the line at the bedroom.
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and I married a couple this weekend!

I wasn’t much impressed with SD! this week, mostly due to the low humor they tried to pass on to us. It was just far beyond weak.

We did open with a match between Booker T and Christian that wasn’t half-bad. Loads of Booker offense to start, which is traditional in his matches. He has very believable offense, unlike guys like Cena and Tomko, and his selling is good enough to carry a longer match than most. Sharmell came into play when she pointed out that Christian’s feet were on the ropes when he was going for a pin. Booker has the weakest of the SpineBusters in the WWE at the moment, and he used one against Christian here. Sharmell was complaining and distracted the ref when Booker hit the Bookend and had Christian covered. Eventually, Sharmell tripped up Christian and Booker got a schoolboy on him for the win.

Eddie Guerrero did a bunch of skits where he was complaining of stomach flu. This was beyond bad, though Eddie did a decent job of selling sick. Maybe I should have him call in for me the next time I take a mental health day.

Jillian Hall w/ Face Thingee, introduced her new charge John Bradshaw Layfield. JBL ran down Texans and Texas and then Rey Mysterio. It was a good heel promo, as he usually delivers, but Rey needed to show up and beat him down a bit for doing it.

Animal and Heidenreich beat two jobbers. They need to do a clean and big job to MNM so that they can get their heat back. New LoD isn’t a great team, though they get OK response.

Sylvan Grenier and Hardcore Holly had a match after Holly saved Christy Hemme and Stacey Kiebler. This wasn’t great, but Holly knows how to work. They really only use Holly when they really need to throw something out there. One week he’s a bad ass, the next he’s defending the ladies, the next he’s a technical genius and the next he’s a heel brawler. They just don’t get him. Holly went for an Alabama Slam, but Grenier got out but punching him in the kidneys in just about the only memorable spot. Grenier walked and Holly won by count-out.

Batista was working out and Theodore R. Long came and told him that Eddie was sick. Batista then said that he knew the best doctor in town and already had him on the way. I would trust Batista if he were talking about the best ‘roid doctor in whatever city he was in, but other than that, I’d be questioning.

Ken Kennedy took on Rey Mysterio in a really good match. Kennedy has natural charisma and his gimmick is working. They pulled him up at just the right time, not too early like they usually do. Rey did his usual show to start and Kennedy was stymied until he got a backbreaker on Rey that looked like it hurt. Really nice spot where Kennedy rolled through a Mysterio Bodypress and hit a Twisting Side Slam for a near fall. Rey went to the top and JBL came out on his horse. This gave Kennedy the chance to catch Rey and give him the SteamRoller for the win. Good match with Kennedy showing that he can really work. Easily the best match of the night in my eyes.

Sharmell played wicked wife and complained that Booker hasn’t had any gold in ages. She told him to win the US title.

I need a deep tissue...
Eddie was with the trainer and an impressive nurse came. Eddie sent the trainer off and the nurse examined him in such a way that we were to believe she gave him Hands-On Exposure. No idea why they chose this moment, when Eddie is supposed to be built to take on Batista, but they’ve finally given Eddie the sexual deviant vibe that he had so luckily avoided since the Chynna thing.

Bobby Lashley, a major US Amateur star, debuted as a face and had a match where he squashed Simon Dean more or less. He used a Dominator-type thing as his finish. He has a good look, but he’s in early. He has been called the next Kurt Angle, but they need to give him time and the right push until he is used to working in the Pro Ring. Lashley is charismatic, which seems like he’ll be a natural.

Jordan was psyched that his most recent Chris Benoit match lasted more than 30 seconds, and then Benoit put the Crossface on that was that. This is a delayed and prolonged angle and it just needs to end so Benoit can get on with better things.

The Ortons had a little funeral thing for the Undertaker with the dummy in the coffin, but then the dummy became the Undertaker. I didn’t know the Ortons were Catholic!

Who's your Papi now?
Eddie got rectally probed by Batista’s doctor. Wow…

MNM took on Batista with Eddie in his corner, selling the ass a bit. MNM looked like total jobbers, which doesn’t have to be the case if they’ll just give them the belts and make them dominant over all other tag teams. Melina distracted the ref and Nitro hit a big SuperKick into Batista which gave MNM the advantage. The ending was kinda good. Batista hit the Demon Bomb and then Eddie got onto the apron and blind-tagged in, hit the Frog Splash and got the pin for his ‘team’. This confused Batista as if he had made it to look like he had thrown the ball, but really held onto it.

Not a good episode, but they are doing Kennedy right, which is a good thing.

Mick Foley will be doing a Piper’s Pit on the Homecoming show. They have seriously stacked up the show and the hopes are for a 6.0 rating. Few think they can deliver that rating, but still. There is hope that the WWE will manage to get a big up-swing on their next PPV buy-rate.

Speaking of buy-rates, the ECW PPV’s total income so far seems to have passed all but the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania, with the DVD being the number 2 for the WWE’s Year-to-Date.

Spike tried to edit all of the references to the move to USA for RAW. They got beat by the old jumpy-motor trick where you start, pause, and then go fast. Spike is not taking the whole WWE leaving thing very well, but it’s their own fault.

Vince started off the show talking about how RAW is moving. They edited pieces of what he said, and it came off badly. HE did say that Spike TV had grown up and changed and that RAW was a big part of that, which is 100% true. Michaels and Angle came out looking for matches with the winner of Cena-Bischoff next week, and Vince made a 30 minute Iron Man match for the two for them on Homecoming. That might be the Free TV match of the year.

They're just taunting us now.
Trish Stratus had a match with Victoria. Good little match, with Trish looking like she’s 100% and Victoria looking like only she can. Somersault Legdrop from Victoria and Trish hit a SpineBuster and a Matrix move and then a moonsault. The other two Bad Girls attacked, but Ashley and Trish fought them off and Ashley managed to strip Candace to bra and panties. They’ll have a Bra and Panties match next week.

Big Show. Snitsky. Street Fight. Bad.

Ric Flair took on the microphone and gave one of his weaker interviews in a while. He talked about HHH and a sledgehammer. They then did a promo video for HHH which was awesome. I’m not a big fan of the guy, but it really put him over strong.

Chavo Guerrero Presents Kerwin White and Shelton Benjamin had a match after they did a great rewind to show some of Shelton’s more bad ass moves. He’s a big star waiting to happen! The match was basic, but Shelton did the top rope leap followed by the Clothesline. Shelton went to Suplex Chavo, Kerwin folded on top of him and his new caddy held his leg to get the pin. They had a good match at the PPV, but the whole Kerwin White thing is just lame. They really need to put him in a mask to get the stink off of him. Afterwards, the new caddy also broke a golf club over Shelton’s back.

Edge and Lita did a great interview from the top of a ladder. Edge basically said that he never lost a ladder match and that there would be no complaining on the internet after this one. Matt came out and pushed Edge off the ladder. They’ve really saved this feud and I’m glad to see they are going to do a definitive ending instead of something wishy-washy. The cage match should have been the way to go out, but still, I’m excited.

Val Venis and Big Viz beat Murdoch and Cade by DQ when Cade grabbed the ref’s hand to stop the count. The Texans weren’t allowed to look good this time, which is a shame as they are the best Tag Team in a long time. Murdoch, who I didn’t realize was Stan Dupp from back in the day, plays his role really well, and even did so here. Val gave him the Money Shot right before Cade jumped in to stop the count.

I didn't know Shawn Michaels was a bear.
Rob Conway beat Eugene. Eugene was on an on night, and the group didn’t seem to hate him. Conway’s really good. Eugene used an Airplane Spin and even made fun of Conway by putting on his glasses. Conway took advantage for a while, but Eugene then did a Spinebuster and a People’s Elbow before becoming Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and no, I don’t mean he got arrested with the Iron Sheik for possession of cocaine. Eugene went for the three-point stance, but Conway took Eugene’s Shawn Michaels doll and destroyed it, which allowed Conway to get the Ego Trip for the win. This was fun and I seldom say that about Eugene matches.

There was a lot of action in the Cena/Michaels vs Carlito/Masters table match. I really think they are getting to understand Main Event TV booking. Don’t give away a big singles match, but make an interesting tag match. This was good, with some solid brawling. I seldom mention it, and really it should remain invisible, but the TV camerawork by the WWE’s crew is amazing. With all the action in this one, they managed to keep everything together and give a great look at the entire match. That’s really hard. Just look at the Sting dive that got missed by the cameras at the 1987 Starrcade. The highlight of the show and they missed it!

The WWE does it right and the brawling was OK, unless they focused on Cena too long. There were lots of near tosses that were blocked and people popped for. At one point, Michaels and Cena did identical slams followed by Five Knuckle Shuffles. I love when they do those spots. Bischoff and Angle came out and when Michaels set up to give Masters an elbow off the top through a table, but Kurt pushed him off and that ended the match. This led to Cena trying to FU Angle, but Bisch low-blowed him and then Angle put Cena through a table with an AngleSlam. Cena bladed and we basically got to see what it would be like if Bischoff held the belt high after Homecoming.

With the move, they did everything they could to make it look like Homecoming was WrestleMania, Starrcade, and some sort of Sorority Pillow Fight Party all rolled into one. I can’t wait.

That’s all for this week. I’ll be back following Homecoming with all the news and reports from the greatest free TV show of all-time!

Talk about today's column in the forums!

Chris Garcia

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