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Falls Count Anywhere


Garcia never says please.
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and Derek better remember to get me my Kane Autograph!

Well, there was a little fun to had from the episode, but Vince McMahon has gotten all hot and bothered about the whole Muhammad Hassan thing and I’m afraid he might be our next WWE Champion (like he did with JBL after the goose-stepping incident)

We opened with a recap of JBL getting pinned by The Meanie. It was supposed to seem like a punishment, but since the Meanie himself didn’t do the thing that led to win, it doesn’t really count.

Eddie started and said that Rey Misterio wouldn’t be wrestling and that he could make him do whatever he wanted because of a little secret. Eddie’s wife and kids came out and she worked the mic like a pro. They begged Eddie not to say anything, but Eddie made them leave and backstage they were arguing. This led Hardcore Holly to try and calm Eddie down. That’s kinda like trying to put out a fire with gunpowder. This led to pushing and a match for later. I really don’t like this angle.

The Mexicools took on Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty and Paul London, who should start a team called The Remaining Cruiserweights! It was a fun match, with Juvy starting out by sending Scotty’s shoulder to the steel. Lots of good double teaming going on in this one. Paul London made a great tag and came in with DropSaults, Leg Whips and Spinning Heel Kicks. He eventually tried for the 450, but SuperCrazy knocked him off the top and hit a moonsault. The led The Juice to go to the top and try his own 450, but somehow he messed up and actually ended up with his shin going right across Paul London’s face. Why does this stuff always happen to Paul London? This gave the Mexicools the win in a match that I think will only help them get over as a bad ass team.

Christian and Candace had a little bit backstage where Christian said that he was a big star and everyone was coming to him asking for advice. Booker T interrupted and set up a match between him and Christian. Candace looked hot.

There was an interview with Batista where he basically said that he was a student of the Game and JBL was a bully. Well duh.

Melina, winning the contest for the most flesh shown while still wearing a full outfit, stopped Torrie who was about to sign an autograph. She said that Torrie was old and that she was only a Diva because there was no competition. Actually, they had a big one last year; maybe you’ve heard of it. Torrie then said that at the Great American Bash, she’d take on Melina in a Bra and Panties match, which Melina said was fine because the audience would never get to see her in her bra and panties. Melina is so great in this role, not to mention wicked made smokin’ hot.

Heidenreich made his way to the ring and was jumped by MNM. This led to Road Warrior Animal coming out and saying that he had been offended by MNM saying they were the greatest tag team ever. I would agree, but I’d go with the Midnight Express or the British Bulldogs instead of LoD. They said they’d face the Road Warriors, but then they remembered that Hawk was dead. Well, that was classy. Heidenreich then said that he couldn’t be Hawk, but he was Animal’s friend and wanted the chance to team with him. Animal looked to be in bad shape, but he got a great pop and a few chants.

"Hold still, ya big baby. I'l get that eyelash..."
Hardcore Holly and Eddie Guerrero had a match that I thought was OK with moments of really good. Eddie works so well as a heel, and here he did a lot of eye poking, but it was the same way he worked as a face, so it doesn’t feel that heelish. Holly got a nice series of moves in, including an Electric Chair Drop and the Full Nelson Slam. Eddie ‘accidentally’ poked the ref in the eye and hit Holly in the leg with a pipe. He put on the Texas Clover Leaf and got the win. This led to Guerrero to apologize to his wife and challenge Rey to a match at the Great American Bash, and that if he won, he’d tell the secret, but if he lost, he’d keep it forever.

Muhammad Hassan’s Lawyer came out and said that Mr. Hassan would not be appearing on SmackDown! until he defeated the Undertaker at The Great American Bash. This was a classic McMahon wanting to put it to the network move, but the guy was pretty good. I still wish they’d bring back Clarence Mason III, who did the gimmick better than anyone. The Undertaker came out and chokeslammed the Lawyer, making hundreds of divorced dads go ‘yeah!’ all at once.

Christian won a shocker over Booker T. He attacked before the bell, taking him all over the outside. After the beating outside, he brought him in to the ring and gave him the Unprettier for the win. That was about it. We got a big win for Christian, and maybe it will be enough to start getting him up the ladder. He needs two or three more (perhaps one over Rey and one against Benoit) to really move up.

Batista and Orlando had a match that featured about 15 minutes of commercials and JBL saying the same thing over and over again before it got started. The match itself wasn’t that good, though I’ve seen far worse Batista matches. JBL interfered, ramming Batista’s head into the steps while Jordan was distracting the ref. After a ref bump, Batista hit a Spinebuster, but when he went for a DemonBomb, JBL cracked him over the head with a chair. Batista managed to kick out and clothesline JBL, get the DemonBomb and the win. JBL gave Batista the Clothesline from Hell after the match.

Uneven, but enjoyable.

No word on Brock, though that may be part of the deal, as they did a similar thing with Matt Hardy. I still say they should bring him in as a released guy and have him compete on both Raw and SmackDown!. That would be cool.

Matt Hardy is in fact under a contract. No word on the terms. Matt Stryker is not under a contract, though he may show up as folks were really impressed with him.

There’s word on some of the releases. Matt Morgan seems to have turned down an offer from TNA. Word has it that money was the main reason, with Morgan thinking he was worth more than they offered. Charlie Haas is also looking at TNA, though they’ve made no offers, but there is also talk that he may end up working for indies and Ring of Honor, where he’d fit right in. One of the big drawing points for Haas is Jacky, and he has thought about doing Japan, which would probably mean New Japan. I’d love to see him mix it up with the boys in NOAH, though. Spike is thinking Indies and is almost a lock for TNA. The Dudleys, who own their gimmick, may be in TNA or they might try to join up with Shane Douglas’ ECW-esque group. They’ll be in huge demand.

I bought the Road Warriors DVD this week, though I haven’t had time to watch much of it. I did watch a match that I had always wanted to see: the SuperClash 1985 match between the Road Warriors and The Fabulous Freebirds.

The Warriors knew exactly how to work most of their matches, which tended to be with semi-anonymous jobbers like Mike Jackson (who was briefly in Southern Discomfort). When they were put up against a big name team, and The Freebirds were certainly that, they had to change their game plan. They had to find a way to work the match so that they looked like monsters and the other team got something too. This actually worked very well in the Freebirds match.

Nope. No point to posting this picture at all.
The Freebirds came out to Georgia on My Mind, which was the weirdest song that could ever be used as a wrestling entrance. The Freebirds also painted their faces with Confederate themed facepaint. That was cool. They tried to make it Georgia vs. Chicago, which was weird since the show was in Chicago. The Warriors were the faces on the show, that’s for sure. The Warriors used their muscles, including doing the multi-press slam on Terry Gordy, who was almost the size of Animal at that point. The Freebirds worked double teams and all sorts of fun moves. It was weird to see Terry Gordy, probably the best moving big man working in wrestling at that point, working as the bump taker instead of as the big man.

Sadly, the ending marred the entire match. A brawl broke out, with Buddy Jack Rodgers and Paul Ellering brawling on the outside and all four others mixing it up in and out of the ring. Godry brought a chair and hit Animal with it, allowing Hayes to get the pin and the win. The Freebirds celebrated on their way out of the ring and it wasn’t until the next week’s TV that we were told that we didn’t have new AWA tag team champs because they had been DQed for the chair shot.

This was old timey brawling by big men. It’s a great match for those of us who remember the old days, and the entire DVD looks like a good reminder of what I’ve been missing.

That’s all for this week Enjoy Wedding Crashers!

Talk about today's column in the forums!

Chris Garcia

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