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Falls Count Anywhere


I've scheduled my C.
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris and if you’re reading this, you’ve probably paid your taxes.

RAW (briefly)
So, I saw the tape of RAW and I’d already mentioned most of the important things. Shawn Michaels asking for Hogan to join him in the tag match was a hot segment and the right way to use the Hulkster.

The opening match between Christy and Victoria against Trish and the soon-to-depart Molly Holly was really good, considering. I love Victoria and she’s been pushed aside for too long. Trish is always great. Molly hit Trish on accident and that allowed Christy to roll her up and get the pin. It looks like that mistake cost Holly her job…well, no, but still (see NEWS)

They showed Randy’s surgery and had the chicks talking. Kane followed Trish into her dressing roomand there was a Hassan promo. All of this seemed pretty pointless.

The HHH promo that followed was even more pointless, and he was punished by the Wrestling Gods with an injury during his handicapped match with Rosie and Hurricane.

Chris Masters sucks.

Daivari beat Shawn Michaels in a match that I saw a little bit off the first time. It wasn’t a great match, but it did show us that Daivari is better than we thought. Still, I’d rather see him as a bump-taking manager.

Lita and Kane made out. She was thanking him for something. You know, this is a messed up storyline that is far less interesting than the real storyline between Edge, Lita and Matt Hardy. It’s confusing, poorly thought-out and just plain weak.

Christian vs. Benoit was really good and Christian got a great response. These guys didn’t have a blow away match, but it was a solid match worked well. Edge got himself involved and Christian managed to get the pin.

The main interview revealed that HHH would be facing Jim Ross next week. WHAT THE…?

Molly Holly was let go as were a couple of the folks from OVW from their developmental contracts. One of them was Aaron Aguilara, who was, along with Christopher Daniels (now of TNA) the Conquistadors that took on Edge and Christian in a memorable feud of the early part of this century. My take is that they are shoring up for the days when their money will run leaned with the USA deal. Hopefully it will turn around and business will start to increase in other areas. The Saturday Night’s Main Event stuff should help a fair amount in picking up certain PPVs.

HHH suffered an injury, believed to be a stinger, when Rosie did the sit-down on him. It was thought to be serious and it caused the advertised local main event to be cancelled. Still, I’m not sure that I’d like to hear about HHH being hurt since he’s got to carry the entire promotion on his back…or so he claims.

There were some fantastic things on SmackDown! this week, and some absolutely horrible things. The fantastic might rank right up there with the most fantastic stuff we’ve seen in ages and the bad…well, let’s just say Heidenreich.

The opening was Orlando Jordan vs. Booker T. It was a serviceable match with Booker doing what he usually does. The Bashems interfered to cause the DQ and Theodore R. Long restarted it as a tag match after the Big Show came to help Booker. JBL had a funny line about Martin Luther King rolling in his grave over Long’s decision. The Orlando and Bashems vs. Booker and Big Show was exactly what you’d expect. Spinnerooni and Scissors Kick for the win.

Torrie Wilson took on Dawn Marie. Dawn looked really good, as usual. The match was better than some of these women’s matches, especially with a lot of fast trades towards the end. Torrie hit a decent looking Neckbreaker for the pin.

This led to the first great segment of the night. Carlito’s Cabana. Carlito started by making fun of the Cubs, which is too easy, but it got a good reaction. He called them Lovable Losers, which he said reminded him of Rey Mysterio. They jawed a bit and Carlito made the point that Eddie cost Rey he spot in the Championship Tourney. Rey said that he knows what Carlito is up to by trying to come between Eddie and Rey, but are Familia. Carlito said things were about to get worse for Rey when the new folks came to ringside.

The big guys in fur coats entered the ring and their female manager came to the side of the ring and hitched an ankle up on the apron. The crowd liked that, or at least the male part of it. Then she put her leg on the apron, doing the full splits and ducking under the bottom rope to make her way into the ring. Wow. A better entrance you couldn’t hope for when debuting on SmackDown! The crowd popped for it too. Or at least the males did. And ten percent of the females.

Anyhow, the girl took the mic and introduced herself as Melina, the guy as Nitro and Mercury, and together they are MNM. They talked about being in LA and how dope they are, and Rey clowned on Melina for having bad breath, which led Melina to do a breath check. After a little more jawing, The N and the second M attacked Rey and Rey held his own for a while until they managed a solid double team. The crowd was chanting Eddie, but he didn’t come. They hit their finisher, a Flap-jack combined with a DDT, to end it.

The real highlight was Carlito. He did this awesome expression when Melina did the splits that they caught with the entrance. When they started attacking Rey, he casually grabbed one of the deck chairs that had been set up as part of the set and watched them destroy Rey. He’s great!

JBL ran into a delivery boy who had a package for Cena. Bradshaw hijacked it. Eddie came and found Rey and Rey was angry. Eddie said that he was going to make it up to Rey later. They did some of this in Spanish.

Cena made his way to the ring to a solid response, getting to the level the Champ should be at. Cena talked and called out John Bradshaw Layfield to bring out his box. JBL showed up with the box and said that he also had stolen the Title Belt. Cena said that it wouldn’t be the title belt for much longer. JBL then opened the box and there was slimy stuff inside. Cena said that he had ordered the box for JBL because it was something that he didn’t have: guts. HE said he ordered them from a Chicago Slaughterhouse and then he went to JBL and dumped them all over him. While he was hamming it up, Cena returned to the ring and the new Cena title, with spinner and all sorts of Bling, was lowered. They actually called it the bling-bling belt, which is a term I coined here in my very first Fanboy Planet column ever!

Heidenreich beat a jobber. Then he read a poem about passing gas. I’m serious. He did fart poetry. I don’t really know what else to say. WORST SEGMENT EVER! Made even worse since you could tell all the rhymes were forced.

Booker T and Sharmell were backstage and Kurt Angle came out. Kurt said he was going to win the challenge and go on to become a five-time WWE champion, which is something that Booker had never managed. Sharmell then got in Kurt’s face and delivered a verbal tongue-lashing that showed she can talk. She delivered Can You It, SUCKAAAAAA! Pretty well too.

Paul London came out after the showed black and white footage of his bloodbath last week. He called out Chavo and Chavo said he would only fight London when he was medically cleared because he is a man of honor. Of course, this was all done so that Kidman could sneak around the other side and attack from the back. London got the better of him, hitting the DropSault and the 450. Good way to build interest, which is what they need to be doing since they are bringing in Juventud, Psicosis and Super Crazy.

Angle vs. Guerrero. Wow. This was one of the five best matches over the last year. They started fast. They did a few exchanges, but Eddie hit Triple Verticals right off. After the first commercial, Angle hit a belly-to-belly and went for the Angle Slam, but Eddie used the headscissors to counter. Eddie went for a Frog Splash, but all he got was a gut full of knees. By this point, I knew I was watching a special match. Great stuff all over the place. Kurt went for another Angle Slam, but Eddie turned it into a DDT. Eddie managed to hit a Frog Splash, but Kurt managed to kick out.

This was being worked like a World Title match, which both guys have done before. When Kurt went for an Ankle Lock, Eddie kicked him into the ref. They really didn’t need the ref bump. Angle grabbed a chair and Rey came out and hit the seated Senton to stop him. Rey grabbed the chair and Eddie saw him, thinking he was going to hit him with it. Kurt then pushed Rey into Eddie, hitting him with the chair. Kurt then covered and got the pin.

I liked this show, even though there was only one real match -- it was a damn good match. The London thing is interesting and I like the fact that they are making a storyline out of that bloody mess. The MNM debut was awesome and Carlito might be the Puerto Rican Roddy Piper.

That’s all for this week. More next week!

Talk about today's column in the forums!

Chris Garcia

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