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Wrestling Today's Date:

Falls Count Anywhere


Leave my Amy alone!
Welcome to Falls Count Anywhere! My name is Chris, and there was a serious threat to my wrestling enjoyment last week.

They opened things up with Kenzo Suzuki vs. Eddie Guerrero. They didn’t show Kenzo’s promo where he said he was bigger than Matsui-san over with the Yankees. That got him booed, though they obviously de-sweetened the sound too to keep the hard line Japanese fans from coming through. Eddie was mad over. The match wasn’t very long and Eddie did what he could before hitting the Frog Splash for the win.

They did a vignette with Angle, Reigns and Jindraik. Luther talked about all the troubles he’s seen. He came off really well here and I hope he gets more chances to show his promo ability. The guys were thanked by Kurt for softening up Rey Mysterio last week. Luther and Jindraik then took on The Bashem Brothers in a brief little travesty before the lights went out and The Undertaker came out to a huge pop. He beat on all four of the guys and that was that.

Hiroko had a few signs lauding her in the arena. By the way, it seems that unlike regular Japanese wrestling shows, the WWE shows were filled with teens and twenty-somethings who were the Japanese equivalent of American Asiaricans, that is, Japanese kids who wallow in American cultural stuff. There was a group that all dressed like SmackDown! superstars, with the best one being the guy dressed like JBL. That made me laugh. Hiroko talked about stripping Torrie in their Kimono match and Kenzo got all gooey over the idea of seeing it, which led Hiroko to hit him.

In the funny and weird angle of the night, Amy Weber and JBL were backstage and JBL was showing Any the tranquilizer dart gun that once felled the mighty Big Show. When Amy was holding it, Orlando opened the door and JBL ‘got shot’ in the neck. That was funny.

Chavito got to do the job for way over home-prefecture boy Funaki. This was a good match, and pretty much anytime that Funaki and Chavo get to wrestle it’s going to be fun. Funaki was super-over and did my favorite Tornado DDT. This match was so good, you’d think you were watching a TNA PPV.

JBL and Carlito had a segment backstage where JBL was acting like Will Ferrel in Old School after the Tranq Dart. He ran into a giant inflated Gojira. That was kinda funny. Orlando Jordan came and said he’d take care of JBL, but he had his match with John Cena and JBL needed to stay where he was. Cena then beat Orlando, who looked better than usual. After the match, The Cabinet couldn’t find JBL.

So many fetishes fulfilled...
The Kimono match between Hiroko and Torrie Wilson was better than most of these. Hiroko is a tough broad and she did a great little spot where she saw that she’s been hurt and she screamed and went right at Torrie. Her make-up also got smeared. Torrie won and Hiroko ran to the back ashamed at her loss of face in front of her country people. Torrie then removed her kimono to reveal her goods.

JBL came out after the match and had the Gojira and came to the ring. I was hoping that someone would set up the Oxygen Destroyer, but no. JBL then did a long segment acting drunk in the ring, taking off his shirt and eventually stripping to his boxers in preparation to take on the inflated Gojira. The Big Show’s Music hit and he came out.

When he got in the ring, JBL showed that it had all been a ruse and he Clothes-lined him, called in The Cabinet and went to town for a minute before Show managed to toss them. The Big Show then called Akebono in the ring and the two of them shook hands. How awesome would it be for Akebono to wrestle the Big Show? I’d just love to see it.

Kurt Angle beat Rey Mysterio in a very good match. I had the volume down for the early part of it because I had to hear a David Sedaris bit about how the Dutch celebrate Christmas. They did a lot of good ground work and it was obvious they were playing towards the likes and dislikes of the Japanese crowds. This wasn’t as hot as the Benoit-Jericho match, but it got a good reaction. Rey did a dive off the top and Kurt sorta caught him, but Rey ended up going to the floor and Kurt the other direction. Kurt got his mouth busted by that. Kurt worked Rey’s back. They did a lot of solid work and Kurt got the win in a match that I thought was the best of the night.

Decent show from where I’m sitting. RAW was better, but that’s often the case nowadays.

Mysterio brains make good eatin'
That serious threat I mentioned in the header was the near quitting of Amy Weber, but she seems to have been talked down. Amy was tired of the boys giving her a hard time because she got all sorts of perks. I actually think that’s a fair reason for ribbing, but the guys have to understand the world these girls are coming from, particularly Amy, who was a pretty successful actress. I don’t think the WWE would have tried so hard to get her back if they didn’t see her big upside.

As has been reported elsewhere, Christy Hemme’s Playboy pictorial will be out in the April edition. I’m not terribly interested, so someone call me when they get Joy Giovanni to agree.

Brock Lesnar is suing to get out of his no compete clause. This is a pretty big deal, because I believe that the court can decide that the seven years anywhere in the world portion of the clause can be stricken as being too far-reaching and that would void the entire clause. They are doing it under Connecticut law, which I know nothing about. There is the idea that this is just Brock’s way of trying to get back in the WWE. The WWE has certain elements within that want Brock back and want him back now. They could use the star power and there are a lot of different angles they can work with him. The sticking point, other than Vince wanting to punish him for disloyalty, is that Brock wants an easier schedule.

There’s been talk about Vince lately and it’s not the type Vinny will want to hear about. He’s getting old, he’s almost 60, and most folks want to know what’s going to happen when he finally steps down. His health matters of the last couple of years haven’t helped any to keep this kinda talk down. Steph is expected to take full control of the booking and Shane will take over as Chairman from Linda. I’m guessing that Vince will stick around for at least five more years before passing it on.

What geniuses we are, mankind (not meaning Mick Foley, just this once). We’ve come up with so many ways to pass information. From developing language, to writin’ things down, we’ve done figured out how to pass along what we think. One of the great things we’ve done in recent years is the Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is an open encyclopedia that allows users to edit entries. It’s been thought of as both amazingly accurate and incredibly false. I say it’s pretty good and lot’s of fixes happen right quick when something stupid gets added. I’ve put a few things in myself, mostly dealing with personalities in wrestling and science fiction fandom. A friend of mine watches the Wikipedia ever day and once a week announces the most frivolous entry he finds. He compares the word length and the potential interest in the general audience using Wikipedia to other entries that get less attention. This week’s was one that was near and dear to my heart.

Smark: the SMart mARK.

Smarks are a term that came about in the 1980s. There have been a lot of smarks throughout the history of wrestling. They are the class of fan that I fall into: the ones that know whats going on and still love it as a program. We’re willing to accept the fantasy at the same time as knowing there’s a reality behind it all. Smarks are the Internet crowd, and the folks that keep companies like Ring of Honor in business.

The term Smark really came into frequent use in the 1990s, right about the time that ECW started drawing attention. Smarks were ECW’s bread and butter. When Brian Pillman came out to taunt the ECW crowd, he called them all a bunch of Smart Marks and got booed out of the building.

The term smark has been used for years now, and you hear it less and less. When the WWF went towards the ECW concept, the term just began to be replaced by fan. More and more of the audience is tuned in to the reality, so smark as a term is starting to die.

The reason it was chosen as the most frivolous of the week was because while my friend was searching he came across a reference to Swiss Banks, hugely important, that had an entry that was less than ½ the size of Smark. He then found that Kleptocracy had an entry that was only 25% larger. Both of these, he said, were far more important…

Of course, he was wrong.

That’s all for this week. More next week.

Talk about today's column in the forums!

Chris Garcia

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